Motherless by Choice: Cutting Ties with an Abusive Parent

The following is a beautifully written and very sad blog by Katie Naum. It was first published on her Archipelago blog, and later on The Huffington Post. It eerily encapsulates the reasoning behind my own separation from my father. I too have been told, “You’ll want to reconcile with him some day.” Sadly, I too doubt that day will ever come.

It’s been four years since I last spoke with my mother. I may never speak to her again.

There is no easy way to say, “I’m estranged from my mother.” It’s even harder to say, “I’ve cut my mother out of my life,” clarifying that you are the one who has severed the bond. Say it to anyone, friend or stranger, and a certain light you hadn’t even noticed fades from their eyes, every time. Smiles falter or grow forced. Mothers give so much to their children that a justification for estrangement must be staggering: some monstrous abuse that outweighs all the love and self-sacrifice inherent in parenting. Only someone selfish, heartless could cut off a mother who loved them — right?

When I was in high school, I slept most nights on the living room floor. I wanted to sleep in my bed, of course, but my mother had rules for us, rules we could not disobey without consequences. One rule was that she controlled who was allowed to enter which rooms, and when. For example, over time, the right to go upstairs — to enter our bedrooms for any reason, or to use the upstairs bathroom to bathe — became rarer and rarer. (Years earlier, my father had first been banished to the first floor, and then to the basement, before leaving our house altogether.) The spaces in which we were allowed to move slowly shrank.

As we entered our teens, home life got worse for my sister and me. Concerned, anonymous people began to place calls to social services. Each call meant disruption to our household, punctuated by unpredictable visits from a social worker named Sam, a tall, quietly friendly man with an unusually deep dimple in his chin. Into that dimple I poured all of my hatred and fear.

I don’t recall my mother ever saying that Sam, or those who had asked him to come, were wrong to worry about our welfare. Instead, her outbursts of gibbering rage focused on how hard she had it, how she worked like a n*gger every day, how the deck was stacked against her, and how we’d better not say anything to Sam that criticized her in the slightest. As flawed as she was, she said, she was our best shot for a happy life. “They’ll take you away and put you with some f*cking foster family who’ll leave you to rot,” she’d howl. One of her favored punishments was having us stand perfectly still in the middle of the kitchen floor for hours as she went about her day, bellowing at us like a wounded beast when her outrage bubbled over at having to load the washing machine or perform some other household chore. For me, she threw in an extra threat: “And no foster family is going to pay for you to go to college, so you can kiss that goodbye.”

Continue Reading at Huffington Post Women

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How The Wizard of Oz and Clarence the Angel Lied To Us

Clarence the Angel and George Bailey recover after George’s suicide attempt in It’s A Wonderful Life

The Wizard of Oz told Dorothy, “A heart is not judged by how much you love; but by how much you are loved by others.” Clarence the Angel told George Bailey, “Remember George, no man is a failure who has friends.”

My Darling Child,

This is a terrible lie, and yet the world around us exalts it as a Gospel truth. Nevertheless, some of the greatest and most self-sacrificing heroes and heroines of history have loved deeply, served others, yet were hated by all those around them.

Consider Jesus Christ, who devoted his life to ministering to others, yet He was imprisoned, tortured, mocked, and crucified alongside criminals.

Consider Martin Luther King Jr., whose belief that people should “not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character,” got him assassinated.

Consider the “nerdy” or “weird” girl who is snubbed by her peers because she doesn’t wear the provocative clothes that they do and aspires to remain a virgin until she’s married.

Never, ever, EVER measure your value – or the value of anyone else – by how much they are loved. Never judge anyone because they’re not popular, or because others shun them. Sometimes the best, bravest, and most shining spirits among us are those who do not bow to the fancy and folly of friends, but stand up courageously for what is good and right, even if they are persecuted for it.

Sometimes the poor, sick, abused, and needy are not shunned because they’re unworthy of love, but because no one around them wants to be burdened by their pain.

Always remember, My Darling Child, to seek out those who are shunned, unpopular, or persecuted either for doing what is right or because they are suffering. Human beings may tend to judge others by how much they are loved, but God sees the heart! Be God-like in your affection.

“But the Lord said to Samuel, ‘Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.’”
1 Samuel 16:7

“’Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of evil against you falsely on my account. Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in Heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you.’”
Matthew 5:3-12

My Darling Child, do not be sad when they are cruel to you; when people avoid you, lie about you, mock you, and don’t understand you.

God does not judge your heart by how much you are loved by people; but by how much you are loved by His Son.

Our Lord, Jesus Christ, loved you so very much that He died on the cross so that you could live with Him forever. Shine that love to others. Never let it flicker, even if others are offended by its purity and brightness.